


i've tried for one, two, three more nights

by StartledAutumn



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Suicide, dont read this if those things have a negative effect on you, mentions of abuse, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StartledAutumn/pseuds/StartledAutumn
Summary: Reggie has a bad day, and the lyrics of Wake Up bring back horrible memories.
Relationships: Alex & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie & Reggie
Comments: 1
Kudos: 140





	i've tried for one, two, three more nights

**Author's Note:**

> If you missed the tags; please, please don't read this fic if you're sensitive to the topics of abuse, self-harm and suicide. Safe reading!

There was something cruelly bittersweet about listening to Julie sing her heart out to the lyrics of  _ Wake Up _ . On the one hand, it brought Julie comfort; a deeper connection to her mother that she missed so severely. On the other hand, it reminded Reggie of days he wished he could forget.

On a better day, Reggie could listen to her sing the song for hours. Angelic voice over a captivating melody, but today Reggie hadn’t been feeling well. His brain felt foggy, his emotions muted, and his thoughts everywhere but where they were supposed to be. Luke and Alex seemed to realize that something was up, so Reggie only tried even harder to hide it. 

On a bad day like this, Julie’s song hit differently.

Reggie remembers plenty of days where sometimes simply waking up cost him more energy than it probably should have. Days where he only managed to put on a pair of socks because his feet were cold. Days where eating food was exhausting. Those memories were quickly followed by a feeling of heaviness on his chest, shouted words replaying in his head telling him he was  _ worthless  _ and  _ useless _ and how much better everyone else was doing. How his friends couldn’t possibly care about him. The words stung, and he was crying, but it didn’t matter because every ten minutes that voice would return to yell at him more, another stab in the heart. He’d hide under the blankets further and further, needing someone to tell him it was okay to have bad days, that sometimes existing was enough.  _ Ungrateful, selfish child. _

Existing was never good enough.

On a bad day like this, there was no stopping the way his mind spiralled into a pool of unwanted memories. Angry words, slamming doors, arguing voices, screams, crying, begging _ \- Please you have to fix this, please tell him to come back. _

It felt like no amount of breaths could satisfy his need for air.

This raised some immediate questions because he was already  _ dead _ ; how could he be so out of breath if he didn’t even need to breathe to begin with? And yet - yet his chest felt heavy, and no matter how much air he sucked into his lungs the feeling didn’t go away.

He remembered the days where he felt like he deserved to be in pain, self-hatred so deeply settled into him he scratched at his arms, wishing so badly to be anyone else because being him felt like a burden.

He could still envision the nights he’d spend on the roof, staring up at the stars and forcing himself to try and ignore his parents shouting at each other for the tenth time that week. He remembered feeling so small beneath the limitless sky that he wondered if he was important at all.  _ Worthless, useless, lazy - _

He could feel the tears well up in his eyes, threatening to drop at the next horrifying memory. He tried to blink them away. He tried to be subtle about wiping away the ones that escaped anyway but he really wasn’t sure if that had worked.  _ He always tried and tried and tried but it was never enough - _

Reggie vaguely wondered if this is what Alex felt when his anxiety was high and overbearing. Heavy chest and unstoppable tears. Shaking hands and rogue thoughts that somewhere, in the back of his mind, sounded wrong and ridiculous but believing them anyway.  _ I feel sorry for anyone that cares about you. I hope they soon realize the piece of shit you are. _

Reggie hadn’t noticed that Julie’s voice and the sound of her piano had stopped somewhere before the song was done. His mind had wandered too far, his surroundings forgotten and the only thing that reminded him of them were the gentle hands on his shoulders. Warm, and grounding.

Reggie’s vision focused again after he blinked away the tears he was trying to hold, seeing no use in hiding them anymore. His eyes met Alex’s; concerned and caring. 

He was suddenly hyper aware that everyone was looking at him.

Reggie was used to that - he was in a band, after all. He was no stranger to being in the center of attention, but this? This was the kind of attention he hated. Alex, Luke and Julie - all three were looking at him. They were concerned, and they cared and Reggie’s throat burned with guilt because no - they shouldn’t have to worry for him. He didn’t want them to worry and Reggie didn’t feel like he could explain the thoughts in his head so he did the one thing he could think of and he disappeared. 

It was what he always did when things got too much.

_ Coward. _

On a bad day like this, Reggie tended to hide in the bathroom. It was the only lockable room in the house and thus the only one that offered enough privacy for him to let out each and every feeling rushing through him. 

Momentarily forgetting that two of his friends were ghosts that didn’t abide by the physics of walls and doors, Reggie fumbled with the lock on Julie’s bathroom door, making sure that it couldn’t open. Then he let himself fall to the floor, back up against the wall and knees pulled close, sobs escaping his lips as he no longer tried to stop himself from crying.

He would only admit to himself that these were the moments where he needed his friends the most. He loved them, and their comfort and presence meant the world but his problems weren’t supposed to be theirs.  _ You don’t deserve them, anyway.  _

He could never ask Alex - who’d faced abandonment from his parents and had to fear being openly himself for years - to listen to his problems. He could never ask Luke - whose parents disowned him and were so against him doing what he wanted to do - to give him advice. He could never ask Julie - who was still grieving the loss of her mother - to spend her time caring for him.

He hadn’t realized that maybe he didn’t actually have to.

There was a knock on the door, gentle but rapid; panicked but trying not to startle. It was followed by Julie’s voice, uncertain and worried. “Reggie? Can you open the door for me, please?”

There was hesitation. One half of him - the bigger half - felt like a burden, a nuisance. He felt weak and he felt vulnerable.  _ Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you did this yourself. _

The other half of him screamed for help, a call that was so overdue it would be deafening if it was let out. He’d spent seven years bottling up feelings and memories that nobody knew about. He’d spent seven years being told that how he was feeling was his own fault.  _ Why are you always blaming us?! Couples fight, it’s normal and healthy! You’re overreacting and blaming all your problems on anyone but yourself! _

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. It’s just that you’re clearly not okay and I want to be there for you.”

_ Why would anyone care for you? _

The thought of opening that door while knowing he wouldn’t have to talk about it was far less intimidating. The idea that maybe - maybe - he didn’t have to suffer this wave of repressed memories alone was tempting enough for him to unlock the bathroom door.

Julie had come looking for him. That meant she actually  _ did _ care, right? It meant that she considered him worthy of her time. Right?

Right.

_ Selfish. _

Julie slowly got into the bathroom with him, closing the door behind her again but leaving it unlocked. She put her back against the wall and let herself slide down until she was sitting next to him, knees touching. She offered Reggie a gentle smile, nudging his leg with hers and offering up an open hand in between them. For a little while Reggie only looked at it, a little bit confused and a little bit tempted to hold onto it tightly - so he did.

Much like promised, Julie didn’t ask any questions. She didn’t even talk at all. She was just sitting there next to him, holding onto his hand tightly. A warm and loving reminder that he wasn’t alone.

“How did you find me so fast?” Reggie questioned after a while, his voice hoarse and thick from crying.

Julie smiled again. Smiles suited her. “I always hide in the bathroom too, when things are overwhelming. It’s quiet, and private. So I went to check those first.”

Reggie hummed as a response, and Julie looked at him as if she was trying to read something off of his face. A question. She squeezed his hand. “Luke thought he might find you at the beach. Alex only mumbled something about people taking pictures of food before he poofed out. I’m sure they’ll -” As if on queue, Alex poofed in, misstepping slightly and nearly falling backwards into the bathtub. “ - show up soon.”

It didn’t matter where they were - they could always appear near Julie. Somehow their ghostly bodies could always find her if they wanted to. She was like a lighthouse amidst endless possibilities, always there to guide them home.

Alex looked upset, like his own anxiety was getting to him. His hair was a mess, as if he’d run his hands through it hundreds of times. “Julie, I-I can’t find him. I don’t know where he is or if he’s okay and -” It took a few seconds before Alex’s eyes finally focused, relief washing over his face once his brain fully processed who was sitting next to the girl he was rambling to. “Oh thank God.”

As if the small bathroom wasn’t already cramped enough with the three of them, Luke poofed in next and his eyes fell onto Reggie almost immediately. Luke had never been keen on wasting time so he knelt down in front of him, hands on Reggie’s knees to help him keep balance. “What’s going on, Reg?”

God, did he wish he could spill it all right then and there. He wasn’t sure how long he could really go without telling anyone any of it. He felt fragile, like a balloon so full of air that the smallest pump more would make it pop. “I’m fine. It’s fine. Bad day.”

“Bad day? Sure,” Alex said. “I believe you’re having a bad day. What I don’t believe is that you’re fine. You’re  _ crying _ , Reg.”

“Guys, he doesn’t want to talk,” Julie spoke up from next to him, voice almost stern.

“I think it’s about time he does.” Luke didn’t sound angry, per se, but he sounded fired up. “He’s been staying quiet for years.” This made Reggie look at him, startled. “We noticed the bad days, Reg. The ones where you’d be more quiet and unfocused. Where you’d be so tired you’d fall asleep in class. We thought that if you were ready to talk you’d come to us. If you’re not ready still, that’s fine - we’ll wait, but at least start by admitting that something’s wrong rather than brushing it off.”

Words were stuck somewhere inside Reggie’s throat. They’d  _ noticed _ . They’d  _ waited _ for him to be ready to talk. Maybe all the times that they asked him if he was okay wasn’t solely out of politeness. 

“You guys have your own stuff to worry about,” Reggie murmured, rubbing at his eyes to try and stop tears from falling. “I don’t want to be a burden.”

“That’s so unfair,” Alex complained.  _ Shaming us for having issues _ . “You’re always there for us. Despite your own problems you were there for me when my parents kicked me out. You were there for Luke after he’d fought with his mom again.”

“You were there for me when I missed my mom extra much that one day,” Julie added. 

Alex gestured in her direction in order to prove his point further. “It’s unfair to yourself to always be there for us despite your own bad days, but not let yourself be helped when you need it.”

“I-It’s a long story, I -”

Luke nudged Reggie’s legs with a more playful smile on his face. “In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re dead. We got all the time in the world. The only one that might have negative side effects from a long story is Jules.”

Julie squeezed Reggie’s hand again. “I’ll stick around anyway, unless you don’t want me to.”

This wasn’t what Reggie was used to. Showing negative emotions meant getting yelled at and being called ungrateful and selfish. Trying to talk about anything that bothered him or that upset him was always interpreted as him shoving the blame on other people, or him attacking them. It didn’t mean… this.

Reggie had been ready to talk for years - he’d just stopped himself from doing so because he knew the negative effects it would have. He knew that once he started there was no stopping. 

“We love you, Reggie,” Julie said. “You’d never be a burden.”

The balloon popped.

He hoped Julie was right.

“My parents fought. A lot. After the age of ten I don’t remember a week going by without a single fight.” Reggie’s eyes were unfocused, staring at nothing. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see his friends’ faces anyway. “I’m not entirely sure why, still. Tensions at home were just always high, and a fight that started over who was going to do the dishes usually ended with my dad leaving the house calling my mom a psychopath. Mom was always on edge. When I told her once that the fights were making me sad, she got mad at me. Said that I was blaming her for my bad mood. After similar conversations happening a few times, I learned to just keep quiet. Then she got mad at me for never telling her anything, and she’d start crying because I considered her a bad mom - which is not something I ever said.”

There was a moment of quiet as Reggie searched for his next words. Everyone else stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt his story. None of them missed the way his free hand was rubbing across his forearm. 

“At one point the fighting stopped being just between my parents. There started being days where my mom would specifically be mad at me. It was different from those times I’d pushed myself between my parents to get them to stop. At least then I knew what was going to happen. She wouldn’t just attack me for the situation, but she’d go on and on, picking at things that were unrelated - my friends, my hobbies and my future. She’d come into my room several times to yell at me about something different, and it ate away at me but that didn’t matter. With everything combined I started showing symptoms of depression, and I thought…” Reggie swallowed his tears, but his voice betrayed him. “I thought of all the things happening to me, those were the ones she’d understand. She was always so vocally supportive of her colleagues and clients that were dealing with it. But on days where I couldn’t get out of bed the only thing she saw was more opportunities to yell at me about how much of a waste of space I was.”

“The thing that finally broke me was her saying she knew about my self-harm, but not saying anything about it because I wouldn’t talk to her anyway. She just let me do it. That’s when I realized she’d stopped caring. Or maybe she never did. And if my own mother didn’t care for me, then who would?”

The silence in the room was heavy. Nobody moved. 

The next words were heavier.

“There were three separate times where I’d almost ended it. The first time I was too scared. The second time I failed. The third time we became friends,” Reggie looked at Luke and Alex for the first time since he’d started talking. They were crying, too. Silently. “That night we found each other at that one concert - Rose and the Petal Pushers?” Julie’s grip on his hand tightened. “And you guys asked me to join the band? If that hadn’t happened, I don’t think I’d be here.”

While his chest still felt tight due to anxiety, there was a weight lifted off him. They finally knew. Most of it. Reggie was too tired to go into the details at the moment. It was a relief, but terrifying because they’d yet to say anything. They didn’t look annoyed, or bored, or mad. Another relief.

“Reggie, I’m so sorry,” Luke said quietly, voice cracking just slightly. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“Thank you, for telling us,” Alex added. “For trusting us.”

“I’m glad you didn’t go through with it, Reggie,” Julie whispered, wrapping her arms around him. “I’m glad you found them, and then yourself.”

On bad days like this one, maybe all Reggie needed was his friends to remind him how loved he really was. And that it was okay to not always be okay.


End file.
